Conflict Avoidance: Why Leaders Must Go First
Most leaders don’t love conflict.
Some fear it.
Some resent it.
Some ignore it, hoping it will go away.
But here’s the truth: when leaders avoid conflict, the cost is bigger than the moment. It erodes trust, disconnects teams, and slows down progress.
As Patrick Lencioni wrote in The Five Dysfunctions of a Team:
“When there is a lack of trust, it is because there is an unwillingness to be vulnerable. Teams that fear conflict will never trust each other.”
Conflict avoidance is one of the quickest paths to a team that no longer trusts its leader — or each other.
Why Leaders Avoid Conflict
From my own experience and from coaching others, I’ve seen a range of reasons leaders hold back:
Command-and-control leaders expect compliance. When it doesn’t come, they get frustrated but don’t engage.
New leaders often lack confidence or skills. Imposter syndrome makes them doubt their authority.
People-pleasers avoid conflict to stay liked.
Compassionate but hesitant leaders don’t want to hurt feelings.
I’ve fallen into several of these myself. Many times in my career, I avoided conflict or addressed it poorly. When I sidestepped it, the problem festered. I grew resentful, the other person stayed unaware, and the trust between us eroded. I was being “nice”, but not kind - and there’s a big difference.
The Cost of Avoidance
Conflict avoidance doesn’t stay contained. It ripples outward.
Leaders grow disconnected from their teams.
Team members grow disconnected from each other.
Distrust spreads, and alignment disappears.
Progress slows to a crawl.
And if it goes on long enough, either the team fractures or the leader loses credibility (or sometimes both).
How Leaders Can “Go First” in Conflict
Leaders can’t wait for others to break the ice. Like a parent guiding a child, it’s the leader’s responsibility to take the first step. Here are a few ways to do it well:
See people as people.
Not as problems or objects, but as individuals with worth and potential. This mindset changes the entire tone of conflict resolution.Prepare.
Get to the root of the issue before addressing it. Plan your words, test your tone, and focus on clarity.Choose kindness, not niceness.
Niceness avoids discomfort. Kindness speaks truth with compassion, because you want what’s good for the person as much as what’s good for yourself and the team.Lead first.
Leaders don’t wait for others to apologize or take the first step. They set the standard by stepping in early. Not with anger, but with clarity.
Final Thought
If you’ve been avoiding conflict, you’re not alone. Every leader struggles here.
But avoidance doesn’t protect people, it weakens them. It doesn’t preserve trust, it erodes it.
The challenge is simple but not easy:
See conflict as an opportunity to build unity.
Step in early.
Step in with kindness.
Step in first.
Want to uncover how your own leadership habits impact team unity and conflict? Try the free Fail-Safe Leadership Assessment. It’s a great way to identify blind spots and growth opportunities.
Because conflict doesn’t destroy teams - avoidance does.